EMPLOYMENT

I can not understand why we have such idiotic measurements when it comes to employment. I have interviewed and been interviewed by many panels or selection committees. None of it makes sense to me.

I am extremely skilled within my field and have numerous public examples to back up my experience and knowledge… I am at the top of my career path and can discuss numerous different ways to help organisations with their task lists.

Does any of this matter, to the careless and uneducated chief of staff, or manager? Nope. Apparently because I failed to label a paragraph I had written with a heading, well my two page document made no sense to them…it is obviously so hard to read two pages and tell if a person is answering the numerous questions which all mean the same thing! Obviously I am to blame if a high level executive can’t understand things if they are not spelt out in baby words and handed in with a macaroni frame to show we are all children, not professionals able to understand the written word. Guess what? This is normal. No one hires people with an IQ above 5… otherwise they may feel threatened!

I still remember when I was just out of school and looking for a job. Geez was it tough! All of them asked for experience and my main conundrum was that I couldn’t get experience, without experience… see the problem? The government has some of the worst hiring policies. It depends on which political party is currently in favour…

The worst part is sitting for interviews. Even if you nail every one of the questions, they still might like the other person due to their hair being blond instead of brown, their accent showing more diversity, they like the colour green rather than blue…

It is sometimes a personality game. We find workers whom we think will be a good team member. This helps if you know their boss and can name drop. All about networking and meeting as many people in the same field. Very hard for introverts as you need a certain notability and social factor. I am not saying that when in social situations, some may be impressed by the way you crouch under the table and awkwardly run to the bathroom each time you’re asked a question… It could help. But let’s face it, being charming aka a complete kiss up sometimes works. Though to mention it, sometimes there are situations where too charming does not work. For example;

I was all prepared for my interview. Feeling very confident and made sure to look my best. Dark blue dress, a little shoulder showing and my makeup demure, yet confident. Smiling my best smile, I strode in and greeted the receptionist warmly. She asked me to wait, which is common for all interviews. I swear they do it, to try make you sweat and fidget. But I was in a overconfident mood and happily scanned the decor of the office, and noted the slight spontaneity of colour on the far wall. The receptionist showed me into an overly large meeting room and offered me a glass of water. By the way, I always suggest saying yes to the glass of water, as during tough questions, it gives you an opportunity to take a sip to gather your thoughts. But anyway, I’m happy, confident and with my glass of water, when three people (the selection committee) enter the room. I stand and shake each of their hands, smiling and making a good first impression. I get to the last persons hand to shake and make eye contact, as I do, and suddenly realise my chances for the job are very slim, unless my main contestant was a drag show queen singing evergreen.

I had met this man a few weeks back, when I was at a particularly low point and had decided a night bar hopping and dancing was in order. I’m not sure about you, but when I go out, intending for a night of fun… well I tend to come up with a fake name and number to give people. Hey guess what? This was one of those blokes.

He was very professional. But I noticed the tensing of his jaw and flinty look in his eyes and preyed he was there to audit the interview. As the smart looking interviewer introduced them, it was made clear that he was the manager for the team which they were interviewing for…

Now, me, being a professional… I obviously did not even bat an eyelash, or so I wished…

You know all those horrible nervous habits that happen when you are during interviews? Yeah, I giggled almost incomprehensibly, hiccupped, snorted, used far too wide hand gestures… the list goes on. I’m surprised they didn’t have me arrested for being on drugs.

That was my worst interview experience. I do have others, but that one I won’t live down. The worst part was when he took a long look at my resume and said “So this is your correct name, is it?” I of course replied “So they tell me, though I can also demonstrate it in a song and dance number?”. So let’s just leave it at… I didn’t get a job offer from them.

There was one job interview which scared me to my very core. I was young and fresh out of school. I had worked in retail and thought to look for a job there. I got a couple of interviews. This one however scared me… and I watch horror movies!

I walked into a building, which had obviously seen better days. A woman greeted me and started asking me questions… Her tone was very brisk and suited to a much older woman. Most of her questions were very benign. Then she asked me “A middle aged man comes in and has three children. His wife has just died and he wants us to find him a new partner. How much do you charge him?”

I very confusedly asked “excuse me?”

“How much money?” she almost shouted in her brisk horrible tone.

“I don’t know $30?” I mumbled, trying to make sense of the fact she was selling human beings.

“Wrong. You empty his bank account.” She snapped back at me.

“But he has three children?” I questioned with severe doubts t hat this woman was any semblance of human.

“Not our problem.” She replied. I honestly feel that a part of my soul died that day. How could anyone take such a uncaring and cruel view of this world? I swear that that is what true evil is, the uncaring and lack of humility which people show to their fellow humans or animals. That experience really sickened me. Especially being young and very new to the working world.

I am not saying all job interviews are tough. But it does take a certain amount of tough skin, to get a rejection. I like to think I’ve developed a skin that can repel most cannon fire now. Living in a place which has the highest population and lowest job rate, can do that. Which is why I moved… but that is a different story.

Now, as a note to interviewers; never ever use… “What are your weak points and strong points?”… who the hell would answer this honestly? Its basically being a dick. You’re damned if you answer, and You’re damned if you don’t. Fuck off, it’s an unfair question, in any circumstance. They are in the interview to try impress you. They are not going to mention their flatulence, hideous cologne taste or their ability to make everyone uncomfortable with outdated dad jokes…