Goodbye

We often say Goodbye, to anyone or anything which no longer holds a place in our lives. This by no means is saying that we let go of the person or thing we are saying goodbye to. 
The word “Goodbye”, has great significance in my life. I have said it more than I would want to and less than I should consider appropriate. 

Change, always makes us say goodbye. It in no way signified the importance of the Goodbye, but it certainly does not express the pain or impact of that goodbye. 
If the Goodbye is not by your own choice, it has huge impacts. I am not only talking of relationships ending, but sometimes we are forced to go away by job opportunities, others needing us to change with them, or the worst of all, when someone we love dies. Any of them can be considered a reason to say goodbye, without choice. 

I have had to say Goodbye, so many times. When my parents decided to move countries… twice, when my partner chose a new job in another place, when I chose a job in another place, when my partner died… all have meant goodbye.

I will be honest and tell you that death is probably the worst goodbye you could ever say. It’s because it is final. Not a choice, not a chance that we can come back later and make a new start. It’s over. I will talk about grief and heartbreak later. This post is about goodbye. Even if goodbye does include grief, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end.

Rankings of the worst goodbyes that I have experienced (from emotional factors going from worst to least);

1. The death of my best friend, partner and someone who understood me and loved me so much, that nothing else has seemed important since. This is the hardest Goodbye, that I have ever had to face. I still cannot process that he is gone and that I won’t ever talk to him again. I truly believe that part of my soul died with him. I Wil talk about grief later, but I am still mourning and in a depression stage of the process. It will take time to move on from. 

2. Moving away from friends, family and love. This has happened four times within my life. I have moved so many times, during my life. Whenever we move, we leave some people behind. I made such wonderful friends and people that I have never forgotten their friendship or the pain from leaving. I have most often not had a choice in leaving, as my parents believed we would have a better life elsewhere. I did have a choice when I decided to move for my career and I can promise you that it was a wrong choice. People have a limited ability to care about People, once they are out of view point. I have learnt this sad fact over countless reiterations if leaving a country, state or nearness to a fellow human being. I am no longer important or note worthy to their esteem. I am no longer worthy of their regard or friendship. I am lost and forgotten as a humble note within an epic, no longer worthy of a paragraph or explanation of my character. I could be a remembrance of that odd friend or the girl who always made someone giggle because of her audacity. But, I will not be me. Or remembered for when I tried my hardest to make my friends smile and love me, as much as I loved them. I always miss my friends. I truly did love them. But slowly, over time, an email is missed/not responded, a phone call is unanswered, a card received though you’re too busy. Our friendship has slipped through the cracks and can’t be recaptured. It has gone. Ended. 

3. Rejection from people you love. I am not talking about relationships or boy/girlfriends. This is when you family or friends decide you are not worth their time or important to them any more. I went through this when my mum and dad got divorced. When I disagreed with my idiot brother for saying horrible things about my mum. It means goodbye. Doesn’t lessen the importance of a father or brother to your life, they just let you go without a thought to how their behaviour affected you. I still love them, but have been able to lessen their ability to hurt me. I have to question if they thought I was important to them. But realise that my own self worth, should possibly, not rely on others to make them feel fulfillment. I love my family and realise that none of us is perfect. The imperfections are a fun flaw which I often love about my paintings. We have to love the imperfect, as then we can truly love ourselves. When I paint, I notice the bad parts, and cherish them. They are what makes us human and will be our individual natures. No one or anything is perfect. Accept the chaos, accept disorder and accept yourself for these qualities. They are what make you, you. 

4. Here relationships are a factor. We say goodbye either by choice or them not wanting you any more. It is painful and sad. I chose not to deal with the heartbreak at the wise age of 25 lol. This has not stopped the pain or heartbreak, or goodbyes. Just the way they happen. I cannot even remember the name of my first heartbreak. But I do remember the pain. Funny thing is that you recover quickly after a couple of them. I find myself as more of a giver of pain  than a receiver. Now. It makes me a bad person, which is why I’d avoid a relationship if I can do so without any bad feeling involved. Relationships are hard! We believe we are in love, though often it is far from truth. True love, I have actually experienced It, is when you truly accept a person for who they are. If you can tell your partner every deep dark secret and your mistakes… then they accept and agree with your insane point of view… They are your soul mate. True love. It doesn’t mean they stay, it doesn’t mean they really understand. But they will talk to you and promise to love you no matter what. You feel that you can tell them anything and they will make you laugh during the hardest of trials. I miss my love every day. I miss him making my apparent troubles seem so small by making me laugh! He always seemed to know how to make me laugh, even when crying my eyes out. That, is something that I consider true love. 

5. Toxic relationships or bad friendships. We all have a friend that is completely self involved, does not give a crap about anything going on with you. Refuses to help or give you support, as the world revolves around them. They think that all your problems are less than their pitiful meaningless problems. I have encountered many of these so called “friends”. My advice would be to call them out on their crap. Also to dump them as a friend. They are horrible and will degrade and hurt you, just to make themselves feel better. Why give them the time of day? I had a friend recently, say he refused to read anything I posted on this site. Why? He did not give a crap about what I wrote about. Aka not give a crap about me.  If a friend asked me anything, I would happily give my time and effort. If a friend asked me to write them a poem, I’d consider my time well spent. I love my friends, more than anything. If one is selfish or unworthy of that love… I cannot say that I won’t let them go.

My view has been expressed before, by a poem that I wrote as a teenager, when in contemplation of suicide, it was a hard time, and I look back with fear of my eternal depression but hope for strength to enol the harder thoughts of my despair. ;

Goodbye

DATE: 11 January 2006

Goodbye,

The slow words of inevitable destruction

The inner turmoil my construction

I wait not for these simple words

For the only one bothered to turn to my pain

Are only my thoughts that continue to drain

I am in a dark world sometimes light may filter in

But behind it is laughter at my selfish sin

I wait not for the simple release

Because never will it claim me so I may be free

I am stuck and lonely so my fate must be

I am lying in chains wrapped so tight

No matter how I struggle to be freed from their might

I wait not for someone to bring me joy

For when I do it forms into betrayal I wish to scorn

My life and death meaningless for not one will mourn

I will be trapped in my cell no longer awake

No one to comfort as I twist and shake

I wait not for someone to finish me off

Because they all did by leading me to this despair

They might wonder if they should care

Though caring is beyond me as I accept this chore

For I have rotted all the way to my hardened core

I wait not for my soul to rejoin me

If it is gone why does it still ache

As though with every breath I intake

I am tired and old but still have no joy

Merely fates plaything an insubstantial toy

I wait not for anything

It all must end

My shattered soul can never be mend

The blackness has claimed me and I yield to its call

For me it is now only a shortened fall

I sink back into the embrace of death

As I hope that this be my final breath

With energy depleted all strength gone

I mutter one final word that has waited for so long

Goodbye.

MStockton cc