Ok, people try their best to appear at least slightly intelligent. But now a days we unfortunately have all the knowledge of the world at our fingertips and can look something up in a second. Suddenly all those extremely smart people who memorised all the non-fiction books and were the best at their jobs, suddenly get called an idiot by a fast-food employee with a phone because they mixed up the year that Beethoven was born. Even Doctors who have spent millions of dollars on their education are being talked down to, because web md knew that it was the common cold without the blood test.
Does anyone remember before we had the internet everywhere we went and lets face it, used to just read books or talk to each other for information?
Yes, this definitely did cause some issues. Most little lies were never questioned and people just trusted these tales as fact. The weird thing, is that these sayings or stories became deeply ingrained in us and we believed and didn’t question them. It’s not by choice, it is just stuck in your head and spreads like a virus.
I checked and there still is no cure for stupidity…
Sitting too close to the television will ruin your eyesight.
This saying will not go away. I got reminded of it the other day. I kept all my old consoles and decided I wanted to play Banjo Kazooie and Zelda Ocarina of Time on my Nintendo 64. I set it all up and got the plug-in controllers out of the draw. As I turned it on, I sat on the coffee table, because the sofa was too far away, and the control wouldn’t reach then found myself mumbling, “Way too close to the television. Why didn’t they make these wires longer if they were so worried about my eyesight?”
Turns out, they never were worried about my eyesight because they had no need to be. No, I did not have to research this as I realised that I sit far closer to the computer screen and if any screen did ruin eyesight, then we’d have a million blind accountants and government employees by now! Unfortunately, the Christmas office party shows that everyone’s vision is still in perfect working order… even if you wish it wasn’t.
Now, I know you won’t trust me on this, because you have google right there, please go ahead search it –
Stand up to your bully and they will back down
I do not know the sick psychologist who started this lie, but they deserve a million wedgies for the kids it’s not helped. This never works! Kids are basically animals. The biggest kid that takes all the candy can kick, punch and clobber the poor skinny kid with glasses and an inhaler. If we were giving them odds in a boxing match it would be 100% likelihood the big kid is going to win. Telling the small one to stand up to the big kid is the same as throwing Bambi into the Lion King and telling the baby deer to pour gravy on itself and march up to the lions! The correct advice would be, “Try avoid the terrifying kid in second grade, who looks ready to start growing a beard, and if they come towards you looking to fight, run!”
If you google this one, they are going to give you the newest parental gurus advice like:
- “Use your words, not your fists” – Yeah thanks, my words of “Stop! Owww! I think my liver is broken!” did not work as a shield for some reason, they just kept hitting me…
- “They are hurting more than you, on the inside” – Can I please submit my punctured lung and bruised kidney as factors at the trial against their defence that their mummy yelled at them this morning and it made them sad?
- “Tell your teacher” – The school yard is a bit like a prison. Think about it… you need an escort to leave, you are basically forced against your will to stay in a overcrowded room, you have a strict schedule, not allowed to talk, guards/adults who yell if you dare to break one of the rules. So what do you think the other prisoners are going to do to the snitch? We’ve all seen the movies!!! How is this good advice?
- “Be confident” – Yep, you know each time I have a bully calling me a loser and giving me a wedgie my self-esteem has never been higher. I look in the mirror and think “Wow! Bet those hundreds of kids watching really thought my bruised swollen lips look fantastic. They are probably jealous. Plus turning my underwear into a thong, really has lifted my butt! Bet they are all talking about how I am a winner!”
- “Turn the other cheek” – This one is one that my mum added. Before you think what a lovely spiritual message it is, she was actually referring to pulling down your trousers and literally showing them the other cheek. We no longer have any questions about why she got kicked out of Sunday school…
Ok, I googled it myself – not sure whether to be proud or sad that I predicted them…
Vaccines cause Autism/Vaccines give you the virus
I do not know who started these idiotic rumours or if they were just trying to start a prank and it went too far…
The first query about a vaccination giving people autism is beyond stupid. It would be the exact same as telling people that paracetamol causes people to scratch their butt! Everyone does it, so now you have people that suddenly take some paracetamol for a headache and get an itch on their butt afterwards saying that it is true. You show the scientific facts on how paracetamol actually works, but they just keep arguing. The sad thing is that they become a pain in the butt, which the paracetamol should actually help…
Now the second point that the vaccine contains the virus is true. The way to fight the virus is to get your body to recognise it and build its own antibodies. So, the vaccine contains an inert virus to teach (yes, I know bad word to use on idiots) your body to fight the virus. The idiots that argue this are reading the first sentence of the chapter, thinking that it makes them an expert on an entire book! I’m assuming that they may just not understand words or context so I’ve included the definition below…. oh and inactive means it’s not working, just in case you need that much explanation.
Swimming after eating will give you cramps
I do not know where this came from. But I heard it a million times as a kid. I don’t think there are any claims that someone ate a meal then immediately went swimming and drowned?
Do you think that the actual story behind it was that someone ate an Indian curry then went swimming, they got indigestion and accidentally pooped, mistaking it as a fart? I mean drowning, pooping in the pool… both are bad! The pooping in the pool actually seems a little more horrific. Do you think this is a warning about indigestion, rather than drowning?
Just need to take the ‘m’ out of cramps? Just a theory…
Human urine heals jellyfish stings.
I watched Friends as well and remember the reference to a documentary which claimed that human urine would alleviate a jellyfish sting.
I am so sorry, but it is a myth, please for the love of God, do not pee on your friends jellyfish sting!!! I don’t know where anyone thought that doing a wee on another human being would cure them? It is actually very likely to cause them serious infection. I should never have to say this, but “No matter, how injured a person is, you should not wee wee into their open wounds!” …. Please understand, or I give up on humanity right now…
Humans eat eight spiders in their sleep a year
You really think a spider will willingly just walk directly into a giant’s mouth and get digested for a random game?
I mean obviously I think, “Hey, while that great white shark is sleeping, why not climb into its mouth and let it digest me for fun! Oh, you see I didn’t realise it was killing me until I got to the lower intestine… My bad!!!”
Y2K would cause computers to turn against humanity
I completely understand that technology has developed very quickly. I know it seemed scary at the time, when people thought that computers were plotting to take their jobs, which was about 10 years previous to this, maybe, understandable that you still thought that they were playing a long con and were waiting specifically for Y2K?
I might be missing something but, can you explain to me, how you thought that the computers would suddenly gain sentience and try uprise against the human race because of a simple date change?
I think that if the computer was sentient, it would possibly have more annoying things to cause it to try eradicate the human race?
I mean those people who think clicking all the buttons, repeatedly, will magically unfreeze the computer when it’s trying to process something,
The ones that ignore the big warning popups that specifically, tell them not to do something,
People who download viruses/update settings/delete needed files out of ignorance and then ask why things aren’t working…
I’ve switched sides, I think the computers should take over.
You can’t get pregnant while breastfeeding
Can you please explain to me how you figured that just having a baby would protect you from having a baby? Seriously? The only thing your body is designed to do is procreate, so why would it take a fucking break? Did you think that mother nature would understand that you just went through a birth, so she’s kindly, just going to ignore you until you get used to the new baby?
Please explain to me, your understanding of how your boobs effect your ovaries and cause them not to function? Do you also think eating all different coloured fruits will cause you to fart a rainbow?
Shaving will make the hair grow back thicker
This one is a horror story that all teenagers tell. I think that ingrown hairs are a worse horror story at sleepovers, but each to their own…
No, it’s not true that hair grows back thicker. The follicle remains the same. We don’t shave our leg hair and suddenly become Chewbacca, unless you already were…
I think it just kept getting repeated by wives who thought that their husbands comb-overs were embarrassing and were trying to get them to shave it completely off. “No honey, shave it all off. Cosmo told us that it will grow back thicker!” Might also, possibly be the reason bald men were very in fashion a few years ago, they were getting conned by their wives who fancied Bruce Willis when he started losing his hair?
Bubble gum will stay in stomach for 7 years
No, it goes through the digestive system. I don’t think that your colon has special security, like in an airport. It see’s gum and doesn’t let it proceed deciding to detain it for seven years, but that button the person accidentally swallowed is allowed to just go out the other end…
Do you think this was made up because someone was just really annoyed that someone kept swallowing their gum instead of sticking it under a desk like a good child?
Halloween candy often has razor blades and poison in them
This was a major fake word of mouth panic, with parents in the 60s and 70s. This was when people were over the war and suddenly realised that kids could be harmed by a lot of stuff. The attitude before was basically if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger. Now we have parents thinking their child is going to be poisoned by cooking in a pan with non-stick coating. We might have gone too far in the opposite direction.
There have actually been no reports of serious injury or death resulting from tampered Halloween candy picked up during trick-or-treating.
Though if you consider it, you might want to check the neighbourhood for people who have gun licenses, because I think your kids are probably in more danger by throwing eggs at the ones not handing out candy? How did the ones happily giving them candy become the bad guys?
Maxine the Magnificent 